^{Author: Brandy Metz, MSN, APRN, AGNP-C}

Breakups

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are “It might have been.”” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

The ending of a relationship is especially brutal when you’re in the thick of it. It’s painful losing someone you loved. You grew to know them so deeply and so intimately. You created a whole little universe together. Population: you two. You shared hopes and dreams together. You created memories together. You grew comfortable and had little routines together. You learned each other’s quirks, and moods, and craziness. You understood each other. You knew them like no one else would. You learned their secrets, their wounds, and their shortcomings. All the things that made you love them more. You learned to work together and to grow together. You became so enmeshed. Bonded. They became your best friend, your confidant, your partner in crime, and teammate. But then it all unraveled. The little world you created together crumbled down all around you.

“It’s all too much and not enough at the same time. “ ~ Jack Kerouac

Somewhere along the way, you lost each other. Fight after fight, miscommunication after miscommunication, disconnection after disconnection…The bad began to far outweigh the good. Disrespect outweighed connection. Doubts outweighed trust. Misery outweighed fun. Hurt outweighed love. The person you knew so well became a person you hardly recognize. You tried with all your might to fight for everything that kept you together. You tried to confront the issues and change the things you knew were causing separation. But the damage was beyond repair. They would not meet you. There was no compromise. No resolution. No hope. Worse became worse, and the end was inevitable. Your heart was crushed. All of your weaknesses were exposed. All of your wounds were triggered. You exhausted yourself trying to fight, but you were unable to keep it together. Slowly and painfully, you came to the realization that there’s nothing to fight for anymore. Nothing to save. It’s over.

“You meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you. You also leave people if you evolve out of that and they haven’t been able to.” ~ Tara Swart

After a breakup, you’re depleted on every level. It’s heartbreaking, soul crushing, gut wrenching. Devastating. But sure. You gave it your all and that is all you have to give. Your time together is complete. The life you had together has ended. The future you planned together no longer exists. It’s ok to fall apart. It’s expected. It’s sanctioned. It’s necessary. Fall apart however you do. Give yourself a mini controlled demolition. Allow yourself the grace to fall to pieces. Let it out. Feel all the feelings. Express them. Do not suppress them. Acknowledge your pain, anguish, confusion, anger, fear, bitterness, defeat, disappointment, longing, and loss. Grieve. It’s part of the healing process. You have to go through it to get through it.

“Unexpressed emotions never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways.” ~ Sigmund Freud

Breakups can tear you apart like nothing else has the power to. There is so much to process. You have to process your emotions, and there is so much to unpack. What was your connection? How did it devolve? In what ways did you grow together? In what ways did you grow apart? What healed you? What hurt you? What triggered you? What did you learn about yourself, your ex, life, love, conflict resolution, communication, and boundaries? There is so much wisdom and insight to be gleaned through breakups. There is so much that requires understanding, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and growing. You have to give yourself time and space to process everything you’ve been through. You have to give yourself time and space to reflect, reconcile, and recover. Time and space to see things from a higher perspective with greater understanding and awareness. There is no substitute for time and space in processing a breakup, integrating your experiences, and becoming whole. If you do not learn what you were meant to learn, you are destined to repeat it.

“Lessons will repeat to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you learn them you can go on to the next lesson.” ~ Cherie Carter-Scott

Some people learn nothing. They skip self-reflection and go straight to repetition, repeating their same old patterns with someone new. Instead of doing the inner work, they jump right into another relationship. Some people have an insatiable void, and they require constant affection and attention from someone else. They lack inner self-worth so they seek outer sources of validation. They are co-dependent. They cannot handle life alone. Not for a second. And they jump at the first thing that gives them attention.

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.” ~ Carl Jung

Oftentimes, these types of people will seek attention from their ex. Why? Because they recall their ex as a source of attention and validation. They never processed the breakup with their ex in any healthy or mature way. So after the novelty and distraction from the new relationship inevitably fades, up comes their unprocessed emotions. Like clockwork. They never took the time to grieve and reflect and grow from their previous break up, so they romanticize the feeling of validation and attention they remember receiving from their ex. They reconnect with their ex the first opportunity they get. It’s an easy grab for instant gratification. And if their ex is ready and willing to accept them back on the immediate off-shoot of their current breakup, then they are both low quality people with low level standards. They will get what they get…the same recycled experience they didn’t learn from the first time. 

“If the past is not resolved, future relationships will suffer. Let your heart heal, before you open the door to another.” ~ Leon Brown

No self-respecting and fully informed person is vying to be a rebound. No self-respecting and fully informed person wants to involve themselves with someone fresh out of a breakup. No self-respecting person wants someone’s unprocessed, unresolved, and unpacked baggage. That is not ideal. Not desirable. And not respectable. That’s a liability. A clear indication of codependency, brokenness, immaturity, and emptiness. They’re toxic, reckless, irresponsible, attention starved, and swayed by anyone that flatters them. If the person you just broke up with manages to immediately jump into a new relationship, this should not incite jealousy. Recognize it for what it is. Disingenuous, pathetic, weak, and empty. It is the best validation you could ask for.

“If anyone can have it, I don’t want it.” ~ Unknown

As soon as their shiny new relationship isn’t able to meet their bottomless neediness or mask their unaddressed insecurity, they will be missing you. Why? Because they never processed your breakup. They didn’t learn. They didn’t grow. They didn’t self-reflect. They failed to use the benefit of time and space to integrate their experiences and evolve. They avoided, evaded, and distracted themselves and jumped at the first thing that flattered their fragile ego. Don’t you dare become a source of attention and validation when their emptiness calls. They are not your problem. Their baggage will be someone’s else’s problem. Let them continue on to latch themselves on to the next unsuspecting person to repeat their same old patterns.

“Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure, fulfillment, for validation, security or love. You have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Your ex is not your business. They are not part of your journey anymore. They are on their own journey, and hopefully choosing to do the inner work to grow and become the best version of themselves. Wish them healing and growth and let it be. Your only responsibility after a breakup is to heal yourself. To put your broken pieces into perspective, mend yourself back together, heal your broken heart, and become whole again. That’s the hard part. And it takes time. True healing happens when all of the painful and uncomfortable emotions are felt, processed, expressed, and released, and your heart is filled with peace and gratitude. Gratitude for the love you shared, the time you spent together, and for the impact they had on your life. The good and the bad. They were instrumental in your growth, and you were instrumental in theirs. Your souls collided, and you were meant to be in each other’s lives. They were assigned to your life to love you, to help you, to teach you, to hurt you, to show you your flaws and your wounds, and reveal your beauty and your strength. They shape you into the person you are meant to be.

“What if our love stories are not about lovers, but are the tales of how we found ourselves.” ~ L.E. Brown

You are not the same person you were when you entered the relationship. You are not the same person you were before you experienced the breakup. You made it through with dignity and grace and leveled up. You’ve grown. You have clearer insight into what you want and what you do not want in your life. You have greater self-awareness, self-respect, self-worth, and self-validation. And now you can rebuild your life. You have an incredible opportunity to rediscover yourself and who you are now. You have an incredible opportunity to apply all of the lessons you learned, and the wisdom you gained, to recreate yourself into the best version of yourself. You get to dedicate your time, effort, and energy into rebuilding a new life and a new future for yourself, on your own terms. Unencumbered like a fox. You did the work to become a whole and integrated person. And one day, whenever you’re ready to open your heart and find love again, you will attract another whole and integrated person on your same level. Someone who took the time and space to grow, and learn, and heal from their previous breakups, as you did. Because you deserve that, and you wouldn’t settle for less.