Author: Brandy Metz, MSN, APRN, AGNP-C

Empathy 

“Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Nothing- not career, not wealth, not intelligence, certainly not status. We have to feel for one another if we’re going to survive with dignity.” ~ Audrey Hepburn

Imagine if every time you interacted with someone, that you could feel all of their emotions. Their feelings became your feelings, their pain became your pain, and their joy became your joy. Imagine, if you could feel how your actions and your words impacted someone else. If you made someone happy, you became happy. If you hurt someone’s feelings, your feelings hurt too. Imagine if the impact of your treatment of others was experienced by you as well. You would be very inclined to treat others as you would like to be treated. You would not hurt anyone, because you would not want to feel their hurt. You would treat others with the utmost kindness, because you would want to be the recipient of that kindness. You would be much more conscientious of how you conduct yourself, understanding the effect you have on others. Imagine how much more considerate we all would be if our emotions were connected, and if we were wired to experience each other’s feelings. No one would hurt, betray, use, abuse, belittle, violate, or mistreat anyone. Because we would feel the impact of that too. We would all be pleasant and helpful, patient and caring, loving and kind. Because we would feel the impact of that too. The world would be so beautiful if we shared that level of empathy with each other. It would be a utopia.  

“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.” ~ Walt Whitman

But alas, the world is not a utopia. People hurt each other all of the time. People are selfish and self-serving and don’t care to care for each other as much as we should. We’ve forgotten how to feel for each other, and don’t even try. Everywhere we look there’s turmoil and chaos and a loss of humanity all because people do not understand the pain they inflict on each other. It makes the world a cruel place to live. All the horrors of the world happen because of a lack of empathy. People who lack empathy are capable of atrocities. They have no remorse, because they have no understanding of the impact of their actions on others. They have a deficit. A void. They are disconnected from their fellow human beings because they lack the necessary human component of empathy. They are unable to understand and feel the feelings of others outside of oneself. This is the hallmark characteristic of predators. They are missing a fundamental piece of the human experience. They do not understand emotions. They are entirely self-serving and cannot relate to others. They are basest. Beasts. The lowest form of evolution. Only capable of seeing others as physical bodies or inanimate objects. They do not have the capacity of higher experience and human connection. They cannot experience another’s pain, just as they cannot experience another’s love. They are missing something. They are darkness without light. And lacking empathy, they are capable of evil. 

“Forgive them for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34

Empathy is a gift of connecting with others by understanding and sharing their feelings with them on a cognitive, emotional, and intuitive level. It is an extension of love, and an understanding of the connectedness of humanity. People with great empathy are capable of incredible goodness. Empaths are not capable of intentional harm. They are not capable of malice, jealousy, or hatred. Their hearts are pure. Empaths seek to heal suffering, not inflict it. Because they can feel your pain, they can attend to it. Their presence relieves your loneliness, because you are not alone with them. They are truly with you. They see the true you. The pure you. They see the light in everyone. They meet you heart to heart. The presence of an empath brings peace. They have heightened sensitivities and operate on a higher deeper plane, and internalize the energy of those around them. They are capable of forming deep relationships because they can almost climb into your skin. They are one with you. They sense everything about you, and see the parts of you that you have not met yourself. They understand your emotions, because they feel them too. They understand your wounds, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. They understand why you act and respond the way you do. They sense what you hide from, and what you need to come to terms with. They understand what hurts you, and they want to soothe you. They understand what’s broken, and they want to heal you. They understand what motivates you, and they want to help you. They are attuned to the underlying truths of your innermost emotional world and can vicariously experience it with you. An empath in your life will make you better, because they bring out the light in you. You can shine in their presence because they make you feel seen, understood, and safe. 

“The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.” ~ Bill Bullard

While empathy exalts us above the beasts, too much empathy will make us prey to them. Empaths have a tendency to put others above themselves. They will take on the burdens of others and put their needs secondary. They will give everything of themselves without expectation of anything in return. They can be self-sacrificing to a fault, and lack boundaries. They can be so attuned to others that they dissolve themselves. They do not like to object or correct others because they do not want to make others feel wrong. They would rather endure mistreatment being inflicted on them, than to make anyone feel uncomfortable by enforcing boundaries. This makes them ideal prey to those who lack empathy and sense an empath’s selfless and self-effacing nature. Empaths are well sought after by those who seek to use and manipulate others. People who lack empathy will take advantage of those who lack boundaries. While the rest of the world needs to learn empathy, it is an empath’s mission to learn boundaries. 

“The problem today is people don’t cherish good people, they try to use them.” ~ Bob Marley

The more an empath tolerates mistreatment, use, and abuse, their self worth diminishes. They erase themselves in trying to appease others. They think that by people pleasing, others will be happy. But that is not how abuse works. Abuse escalates. Takers take. As much as they can get away with, without mercy and without end. Empaths need to learn boundaries to protect themselves and their gentle nature. They need to learn to put themselves first. They need to learn to acknowledge and attune to their own feelings. They need to learn to treat themselves as well as they treat others. They need to learn to love themselves as much as they love others, and more. They have to learn to honor themselves and their sacredness, and not allow themselves to be trampled on by others. Empaths need to learn to protect their own hearts as much as they protect everyone else’s. The world can be a cruel place for such sweet natured people. They tend to have to learn to establish boundaries the hard way, out of necessity. When their self-respect cannot tolerate any more mistreatment and disappointment, and after having given themselves away to others without end, it is then that they are forced to erect boundaries. Out of necessity, they learn the vital skill of self-protection. They learn to nurture themselves with all the empathy and compassion they give to others. 

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” ~ Proverbs 4:23 

If you meet an empath with strong boundaries, you better believe they’ve been through some stuff with heartless people. They learned that manipulators, users, abusers, and energy vampires are bottomless and will feed off of them until there’s nothing left. They have learned to protect themselves to conserve their empathy to be able to serve others. They learned the very hard lesson that not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone wants to live up to the light inside of them. People choose to stay at the level they are comfortable with. It is not the empath’s job to fix or enable anyone. They are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. They have learned to not take on everyone’s burdens as their own. They have learned self-awareness is an important component in other-awareness. They have learned not to lose themselves in people who would only diminish them and siphon their spirit. Just as people who lack empathy can sense someone who lacks boundaries, an evolved empath can sense when someone lacks empathy. And they will put up their boundaries. They no longer allow their empathy to be exploited. The evolved empath has learned to hone their empathy so they can expand it. They know it is their mission to share empathy with others.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama

We all need to learn to hone and expand our empathy. The world needs it. Empathy reminds us that we are not alone. We are all connected. We all have the same inner light, and we all share the same feelings. Our lives and circumstances may look very different on the outside, but inside we all share the same human emotions. The details of our existence varies greatly, but our emotional experiences are universal. We all know what it feels like to feel scared, frustrated, lonely, heartbroken, exhausted, nervous, embarrassed, excited, loved, accepted, happy, relieved. We can all relate to those feelings and we can understand those feelings in others. We all have the ability to imagine what it must be like in another person’s shoes. We have the ability to put ourselves in their position, and feel what they are feeling. We can imagine how we may feel if we were given those same circumstances, and how they feel in those circumstances. People may react differently, and handle their emotions differently, but if we could pierce through the details, pierce through the noise, and see their heart, we could begin to understand the emotions that person is experiencing. We can relate with them heart to heart with that understanding. And though we may not relate with their response to their emotions, we can certainly relate to the emotions themselves. And we can meet each other there. Heart to heart. And from there we can connect. From there, we can feel seen and understood. From there we can put our guards down, we can put our egos down, and we can just be human together. 

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Empathy distinguishes us from the beasts. We have the beautiful ability to grieve with each other, care for each other, and celebrate each other. We can empathize with each other’s emotional journey, because we are experiencing the same universal feelings. We can put our hearts in each other’s shoes and walk together. We are in this together. We are connected. We can learn to attune to each other’s feelings and meet on a higher deeper level. Heart to heart. Light to light. Empathy helps us pierce through the things that divide us, and reminds us that we are all just human here, trying to navigate this cruel, cruel world. We need to feel for each other. It’s our mission. We need to understand the impact we have on each other. We need to treat each other as we would like to be treated. If we treat each other with empathy, we would be much more helpful, patient, and kind in all of our interactions. We would never cause harm to one another. We would protect each other’s hearts, because we understand how vast, beautiful, and fragile all hearts are. And our empathy would make the world a better place.

“Don’t you know yet? It is your light that lights the world.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi