Author: Brandy Metz, MSN, APRN, AGNP-C

Confrontation

“Homey don’t play that.” ~ Homey the Clown

Confrontation is unpleasant business, but necessary. Most people try to avoid confrontation at any cost. This is a natural inclination. Confrontation is not comfortable for anyone. It is an awkward, scary, and dreadful task. Only contentious people revel in being confrontational, as it gives them a false sense of self importance. Most well-adjusted evolved people do not welcome being put in the position to have to address conflict. It is daunting. When there has been a conflict, misunderstanding, a violation, disrespect, and repeated offenses, confrontation can become unavoidable and necessary. Sometimes you are forced into the uncomfortable position of having to confront an issue. You have an obligation to stick up for yourself, and you have an obligation to stick up for what’s right. You have to be able to overcome your discomfort and confront what needs to be confronted. You have to be able to conjure up your courage and do what needs to be done. 

“Sometimes fear does not subside and you must do it afraid.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

Confrontation means to face, meet, or deal with a difficult situation or person. Difficult situations and difficult people are an inevitability in life. You will meet them. So you will have to learn to face them and deal with them. To be able to confront issues and address them fairly and squarely and head-on is a useful life skill. It will serve you well. Confrontation is communication. It serves to establish understanding and enforce boundaries. Communication, understanding, and boundaries are important in every relationship and interaction. Respectful confrontation does not involve yelling, brooding, or being hostile, insulting, or inflammatory. This exacerbates the issue and incites an equal and opposite reaction. That is not problem solving. That is not effective communication. Respectful confrontation is solution oriented. It is concise communication to address the situation directly, proportionally, and productively. The goal is to communicate yourself effectively, identify an issue clearly, seek understanding, and establish healthy boundaries. 

“Confrontation is a positive way to handle negative events.” ~ Steve Gilliland 

You have to pick your battles, and gage your reactions. Not every slight requires confrontation. Most don’t. Pick your battles wisely. Save your energy and effort and avoid engaging in unproductive unnecessary interactions. And don’t tangle with low level volatile people if possible. Some people are not capable of communication, understanding, or respecting boundaries. There will be no positive outcome. If someone steps on your toes and they are looking for a fight, it’d be best to avoid them. If someone inadvertently steps on your toes, it’s ok to simply point that out, or you can choose to let it slide. But if someone steps on your toes and gets a sense of satisfaction in violating your boundaries, they need to be checked. It would serve them well to bring some perspective to their awareness. It would serve them well to be reminded to do better, and walk with decency, integrity, consideration, and respect. If someone goes out of their way to step on you, they may need to come to the understanding that their disrespect is not tolerated, their behavior requires correction, and they need to watch their step going forward. If someone repeatedly intentionally attempts to stomp on your toes, this requires confrontation. It is your obligation to stick up for yourself, and tell them to back off. Do not let people walk all over you. Do not be afraid to let people know that you value your toes, and they are not to be stepped on. Do not be afraid to let people know that it is not ok to walk around stepping on people’s toes. It is not right. 

“Each time a woman sticks up for herself, without knowing it possibly, and without claiming it, she stands up for all women.” ~ Maya Angelou

If you fail to confront situations that demand confrontation, it will continue. If you fail to stand up for your boundaries, you are accommodating disrespect. Your silence communicates acceptance. You are inadvertently teaching people that it’s ok to violate you. How people treat you is a reflection of themselves. And unfortunately some people do not have a good sense of decency or morality. People mistreat each other all the time, and justify themselves in bizarre ways. Do not let people think they can get away with mistreating you. “The wicked become even worse when they are tolerated.” ~ Leo Tolstoy. You are not here to tolerate abuse, undercuts, violations, bullying, belittling, poor treatment, thoughtlessness, disregard, or lack of respect. You are not here to acquiesce to someone’s sense of entitlement. You are not here to appease anyone’s fragile ego and their unaddressed misplaced personal issues. You are not here to shrink yourself for someone else’s comfort. You are here to stand up for what is right. You are here to advocate for yourself. You are here to protect yourself and others. This requires the ability to confront difficult situations. To fail to confront what needs to be confronted, is to fail yourself. You compromise your self respect and self esteem to avoid the temporary discomfort of confrontation. If you shrink to disrespect, it is internalized and compounded. You diminish yourself. You suck down your cowardice and your resentment, and it will eat away at you. The problem will persist. The disrespect will go unanswered. But you spared yourself an uncomfortable conversation.  

“Confrontation is not bad. Good is supposed to confront evil.” ~ Fred Shuttlesworth

You are obligated to yourself to stand up for what’s right. Your conscience requires it. You have an obligation to yourself to honor yourself. It is our mission in life to become greater. This entails being able to contend with difficult, dreadful, and uncomfortable situations. This requires being able to confront issues that require correction. To make things better. To make things right. To communicate what needs to be communicated. You have to be able to overcome your discomfort and speak your truth. Say what needs to be said. As gracefully as you can. It does not matter if it’s awkward or clumsy. Compose yourself and your thoughts as much as possible, and address what needs to be addressed. Be brave. Get courageous enough to stand up for yourself and to stand up for what’s right. This makes you respectable. No matter the outcome.

“I don’t avoid confrontation. People should know that.” ~ David Coverdale

Consider what happens if you are able to confront difficult situations constructively. What would happen if you were able to communicate yourself fully? What would happen? What could the positive possible outcomes of that be? What if you were able to garnish understanding? What if you were assured your boundaries would be respected? What if the situation was corrected, now and hereafter? What if someone was grateful for your courage and candor and for bringing the issue to their attention? People respect honesty and bravery. What if they were receptive to your thoughts, ideas, concerns, and feelings? What if the encounter bettered them and improved them going forward? What if everyone was improved for the encounter, and mutual respect was achieved? Confrontation is a teaching moment. Confrontation is an opportunity for communication, correction, and improvement for everyone involved. It’s for the greater good and the betterment of all. 

“Loving confrontation means we dare and care to bare our heart.” ~ Boyd Bailey

Everyone could benefit from correction and improvement. Everyone could benefit from gaining perspective, awareness, and understanding. Everyone can benefit from a lesson in respecting boundaries. If we were able to leave our egos out of our interactions, all things could be communicated beautifully, peacefully, receptively, and respectfully. We are all learning from each other. We are all students of each other. We are all learning to co-exist. Confrontation is an opportunity for growth and betterment. If you are confronted, be receptive to your lesson for growth and betterment. Listen openly. Acknowledge your misstep. Understand how your behavior affected someone else. Graciously accept your correction, and proceed more conscientiously. It could be that simple.    

“The quality of your life is directly proportional to the number of uncomfortable conversations you’re willing to have.” ~ Tim Ferris

We have to learn to get over the fear and discomfort of confrontation. There is much to gain from speaking your truth. Consider what would happen within you if you were strong enough to have the hard conversations? How would that impact your life? How would that confidence expand your possibilities? If you knew you were always brave enough and strong enough to stand up for what is right? How confident would you be knowing you are more than capable of facing and dealing with whatever difficult situations come your way? How powerful would you feel? Imagine how that confidence would transform your life, your interactions, and your relationships. Your self-respect would be palpable. You would radiate confidence. Your presence would command respect. You would have a subtle wispy air of ‘fuck around and find out’ about you. Because you know that you do not tolerate being stepped on, and you will conjure up your courage to confront those who violate your boundaries. If they step on you, they will respectfully find out. You don’t play games with your self respect. You are willing to overcome fear and dread and enforce your boundaries. You will get as uncomfortable as necessary to confront what needs to be confronted. For the greater good.