Author: Brandy Metz, MSN, APRN, AGNP-C

Bullies

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

I have been subject to bullying several times throughout my life. I did not fight for myself as I wish I would have when I was younger. I was an easy target. I have been very fortunate to have survived and grown through my experiences. Having failed myself before, it has been my spiritual mission to stick up for myself in life, and I do. I am not the one you get away with bullying as an adult. Different playground. 

“I’d rather be a little nobody, than to be an evil somebody.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Bullying cuts deep in childhood. You’re wildly insecure. Your brain and sense of self is not developed. You’re impressionable and highly sensitive to the opinions and influence of others. You do not control your circumstances, and you are stuck where you are placed. Bullying can be inescapable, especially if you are sweet. You cannot fight for yourself, you have no refuge and bullies exploit that. Kids and teenagers can be exceptionally cruel. They will torment you as viciously as they can get away with. They will take advantage of you and say you asked for it. They will ruin you and say you deserved it. And with groupthink, they feel justified in hurting you and blaming you for it. Little monsters. It is heartbreaking to think of a vulnerable child having to endure the depths of maliciousness and brutality at the hands of bullies doing their worst to inflict pain and shame while laughing. It is scarring to say the least.  

“The world will ask who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.” ~ Carl Jung

Victims of abuse often blame themselves. They internalize the viciousness of others and believe it is their fault. Their self esteem and self worth is diminished. Their abuse is internalized as depression and anxiety, self loathing, frustration, helplessness, and shame. They believe they are as worthless as they have been treated. It is heart breaking how many suicides result from bullying. Some victims feel they are not fit for such a cruel world. They cannot understand the viciousness of people, as they are not capable of viciousness themselves. They are pure. Hurting others is not in their nature. Humiliating others is not on their agenda. They do not seek to take advantage of people. They do not want to belittle people. They do not want to cause harm to people. They are sane. And good. They are not eagerly plotting to inflict pain on someone weak. Victims do not understand that ugliness. They are not made of the same stuff. They are ill equipped. A victim cannot fathom the plans bullies have for them and the untold lows to which they would go. Victims cannot fathom hurting people, taking advantage of people, and certainly not delighting in it. Evil people think differently. They have a different mindset. They have depths of ugliness and depravity that are not known to their victims. Bullies are predatory. Whether they deem you weak and beneath them, or if they are jealous of you, the tactics are the same. Bullies bully people who won’t or can’t fight back.

“All cruelty springs from weakness.” ~ Seneca

Bullying does not end in childhood. Bullies don’t always mature out of being bullies. Some people are so broken they only serve to hurt others. They are agents of pain. They are stunted and unable to evolve. They just become adults, branch out, and are found in all areas of life. You encounter bullies in your community, your work life, in social organizations, your relationships, and all sorts of engagements. They are the tyrant boss, the calculating co-worker, the unreasonable client, the creepy vendor, the jealous acquaintance, your gaslighting ex, or your menacing family member. Bullies range from being miserable people with underhanded hatefulness, to bonafide sadists, to the entitled self righteous Karens of the world, to the online social media trolls seeping out their putridity in anonymity, and any level of misguided people who seek to cause harm to others. 

“A beast can never be as cruel as a human being. So artistically so picturesquely cruel.” ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

People who are sane and happy do not take pleasure in bringing other people down. Good people do not seek to be hurtful and cruel. Good people have compassion and empathy. Good people treat people with dignity and decency. Good people want good things for other people. Good people do not want to demean or cause harm to others. Those who are cruel to others have no peace within themselves. Their hearts are wicked, tormented, and ugly. Bullies are miserable in their lives and in themselves. Ugliness within begets ugliness without. It is its own karma and justice. 

“Bad people don’t go to hell, they’re already there.” ~ Dan Millman 

Bullies have to live with themselves, but you do not. As a free adult you have a lot of control over your circumstances and your environment. You do not have to endure the company of bullies unless you choose to. If you are forced to deal with a bully, you can at least enforce boundaries and put protective measures in place to reduce the amount of harm they can inflict on you. The best protection is no contact. Do not engage with horrible people with horrible motives. Period. Do not give bullies the opportunity to have any involvement in your life. Haters hate. Trolls troll. Bullies bully. Avoid interacting with them at all costs. Do not give them any opportunity to cause you harm. Do not engage. The best way you stick up for yourself is to protect yourself by preventing any access to you. 

“Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.” ~ Albert Einstein

Take this metaphor. A lion is wounded and abandoned by his pride. This sets the stage for vultures. They smell opportunity. The vultures know that if the lion was in his full glory, they wouldn’t stand a chance. They would not dare attempt. But weak and wounded and defenseless, they advance. Scavengers are scavengers. They have no decency. They do not want a fight. They want easy prey. The more defenseless the better. Let’s say they pick at him for a while, but eventually the lion’s pride and his fight return to him. The vultures will scatter and proceed to seek other prey. They can heckle all day about how they got their shot at a lion, but hierarchy is restored. Though scared, the lion is wiser for the experience and a little meaner. His instincts are sharpened. He will not care for retaliation. He’s a lion. He’s not wasting his time on birds. If he sees them circling, he will go another way. 

“You may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~ Maya Angelou

Grow your life in such a way that  you never need to deal with bullies in any form. You just dismiss them from your life. They may have had their shot and done their worst, and you may carry trauma forever, but put them behind you. Nurse your wounds, own your scars, and heal with time. “here you are living despite it all.” ~ Rupi Kaur. They may have hurt you, but they will atone for their misdeeds on their own time on their own journey. I’d much rather contend with having suffered indignities, than having caused indignity to someone else. Be grateful not to be a bully. Be grateful to not be a monster in someone else’s memories. Be grateful to be a decent person who treats people with dignity. Be grateful to be a good person who does not wish or inflict harm on others. Take pride in being a mighty lion and not an opportunistic scavenger preying on the vulnerable. 

“How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.” ~ Wayne Dyer

If ever I think about my previous experiences with bullies, instead of wishing vengeance on them, I wish them growth. How people grow is life’s business, but I do take comfort knowing that people tend to grow markedly through experiencing hell. I wish the bullies of the world the all the hell they deserve, in the right time and in the right measure, for the sake of the greater good. I hope when they are vulnerable they meet themselves, so that they may understand the impact of their actions and grow in empathy. I hope in their hell they are also treated with kindness and mercy that they do not deserve, so that they learn what they are lacking and grow in grace. We should all hope that life serves each one of us everything we need for our betterment. Bullies certainly could use betterment. I hope the journey of life delivers them lessons in compassion, humility, and grace and that they mature with greater perspective. I hope life grows us all into better people. Wish bullies growth and healing and all the betterment that they deserve from as far away as you can get, and don’t waste another thought on them. Your only concern is your own journey of growth and healing and betterment. On your journey, you care for others and treat people with dignity, respect, and kindness; especially because you understand what it is like to be treated without. 

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” ~ Robin Williams